nyanan.

hi. so its been a while, huh? well im back, and hope to be doing more frequet updates. but to be fair, everytime i write a blogpost i say that same thing. whatever. so the last time i made a blog post, it was the beginning of the school year. and now we'll soon be going into the second semester. this means, knowing me and my life, that a LOT has happened. so lets start out small.

i started dating a guy. yeah, look at me. im back on my casanova shit, right? Yeah. Well WRONG. I had to break up with him cuz he lowk took advantage of me while I was high on our first date. Like damn I really can't have nice things, huh? So all of that of course. He was also kind of a weirdo highkey and was just like SO in denial about being gay that hed just pretend I was a girl. Like okay i guess, but im NOT a girl. I will never BE a girl. Sure, i used to crossdress and shit like that, but Im still a whole ass man. I quite literally like it up the ass bro im not exactly into being feminized or some shit. He was also really weird about sex and stuff. So im very happy to not be with him anymore! But whatever with all of that. I'm thinking about asking out this one guy today. I like him a lot, more than I've ever liked anyone else. Doesn't help that this guy I'm talking about is one of my other exes from around 2 years ago. I love him more than anything. I honestly don't care if he likes me or not, though. If he doesn't love me, then I'll keep up my life of being a manwhore. Because whether he loves me or not, I'll still love him, because he'll still be him. But if he does love me, then I could dedicate myself to him. And maybe date someone that I truly love for the first time since I broke up with him. I honestly don't care if thats cringe. I'm far too young to be pining over the same person for this long, so I'm just ready to get it done with. I love him and that is that.

Continueing on the concept of love. I kinda of realized I'm gay. I was going by the bisexual label for as long as I can remember, but never made a move to act on it. I would only date men. And it wouldn't be a rare occasion that I rant about how much I LOVE women. "I love women who this, and I love women who that. I love women with gigantic tits, small tits, black, white, short, tall, dominant, submissive." I didn't have a type. I just said shit for the sake of saying shit. Because I chalked up a lot of masculinity to being almost sexist, and objectifying women. And I honestly feel terrible about it. I definetly liked women in the past, and I guess I'm still attracted to SOME women. But I just can't see myself ever dating one. I don't know if that counts as gay though, since I'm not NOT attracted to women. I can't imagine having any sort of sexual relationship with a woman, and the very thought confuses me. Like. How would that even work? I was way to caught up in not coming off as a twink. Because I have never wanted to come off as a twink, but unforunately I just naturally am more feminine looking. I was almost scared of being so feminine that Im no longer percieved as a real man, or a man at all. Im still nervous about not looking enough like a man, but Ive forunately gotten over the other shit. I wouldnt say im proud of myself, but I would say im happy for the people around me who no longer have to deal with that. The main reason I was able to get over it was, surprisingly, yaoi and BL. It's honestly embarrasing, but it is what it is. I was playing through a lot of Nitro+chirals works and realized theres really not any twinks. All of the gay men are represented as (mostly) normal people. They are unapologetically gay (I mean, at least most of the time) and thats not a BAD thing.

Shying away from all the dramatic lovestuff, lets focus on things that aren't annoying. I've started locking in with my music. Ive been making a lot of original work lately, and have been making a lot of remixes of vocaloid songs as well. I think im gonna start actually posting my stuff soon. I think I'm gonna post a small EP, and see how it does. Ive been very careful with my digital footprint because of this. Im admittedly very edgy, so Im trying to not have a platform to be edgy on and get hit over the head in the future for some dumb shit I said. Ive stopped posting on most platforms, and am also slightly more cautious on what I interact with. I've been getting very well acquainted with the software "LogicPRO" for Mac. I don't own a mac though. Basically, my study hall teacher is also the school audio engineering teacher. This gives us access to the schools Macs and in turn their audio software. I would attatch a track, but right now all of my work on there is remixes of vocaloid songs and I didn't do the vocals for any of them, so I don't think that would be fair. I also was told the other day that I type like ChatGPT and that pissed me off beyond human comprehension. I've been reading a looooot of manga recently. My most recent additions to my list are the Slow Damage manga, and I've started the Togainu No Chi manga. I'm also planning to read the DRAMAtical Murder manga. I haven't talked about it much on my site yet, but I absolutely ADORE DRAMAtical Murder. I also really enjoy some of Nitro+chirals (and nitro+ in general) other games. I haven't played Lamento, and honesly? I have no desire too, either. I also haven't played through Sweet Pool yet, BUT I do plan on playing it eventually. I've been working throgh Saya No Uta for a couple of months now I think. Honestly, I've been playing it so slowly, it might have even been a year. I finished playing through ToToNo ages ago as well. ToToNo was my first introduction to Nitro+, and I honestly wouldn't have had it any other way. To this day, ToToNo is still my favorite game of all time, and home of my favorite character of all time, Aoi Mukou. I love nitro+. I first played ToToNo when I was about 10 or 11. I'm well aware thats far to young, but it is what it is. I remember being obsessed with Doki Doki Literature Club, and I heard somewhere that ToToNo was similar. And it was similar. But, more like DDLC was just a cheap copy of ToToNo. And even if it was a cheap copy, DDLC was still amazing. I'd like to think thats because ToToNo is just that good. Like how Monogatari is so good, that the knock-off (bunny girl senpai) was still amazing. But whatever, enough ranting, right? I've been working on coding my website a lot. I've finally caved and decided to redesign my website and make it "aesthetic." So now we've got a little bit of a windows 98 theme going on. I got tired of my website being chaotic and honestly? Ugly. So now its cuter, and based off of some of my favorite characters right now. I have multiple copies of almost all of my assets but with different characters. Like, right now its all based off of Towa from Slow Damage. But I also have one of Rin from Togainu No Chi (because he's literally me) and Aoba Seragaki from DRAMAtical murder.

I've also been having soooo much fun reading through the Togainu no Chi manga. I've been trying to get windows emulators on almost all of my devices just so I could emulate Togainu No Chi. i really wanna play it uhhhggg!!! I love love love love love rin!!! He is literally me, guys. You guys dont understand. He is literally me, like literally. I think the only non-playable nitro+chiral bottom being my favorite character is very telling of my character. fufufu. i love rin and hes literally me yall do NOT understand!!! I saw someone on tiktok call him a shota the other day. I wasnt shocked, disgusted, or even humoured. I just thought like, "yeah alright" and went on with my day. oh oh oh! its also almost christmas! oh yes thats so nice isnt it?? I don't really care much for christmas as a holiday, but I do love it as a season. I love the festivities, its so nice and joyful. I don't enjoy winter though. Its so cold, and i HATE the cold. Also my schools winter dance is tomorrow, and I can't decide whether to go or not. I'm sure it would be fun, but unfortunately I don't really have many close friends. And those few that are close also aren't going. Like, I've never had the opportunity to go to an actual school dance. If you've read any of my other blogs, you'd know that I've went to a maget school my whole life. A magnet school is basically a gifted school. It was very very small and underfunded, so there really wasn't much going on for the school. They had dances sometimes, but they weren't ever really much. Now I go to one of, if not, THE biggest school in my state. So I'm sure it would be funner than that. I just have so many choices, right? I could go to the dance and pay the obnoxious $35 for tickets. I don't even have anything fancy I'd wear either. Or I could stay home and doom scroll or play visual novels and not pay any money. It'll probably be the latter. I mean, if I don'thave anything to wear, then I don't have anything to wear, right? I also don't have anyone to go with. Honestly, the only thing that could even maybe convince me to go is if someone I actually liked asked me to. I can't imagine me going there and suddenly meeting the love of my life or something either. But all of this is whatever. I'll maybe hang out with my friends instead. With $35 I could buy like 10 monsters, and you know what they say. "A heart attack a day keeps the demons at bay!" I've been very obsessed with the artist "abuse-ken" over the past few months. He has quickly become one of my favorites. My favorite song for about 6 months now has be his song "iesu" from his dog / screaming / livestock album. This album by itself is one of my favorites ever. I also really like the songs "want to be cremated", "judas", and "firewater" by him. I've finally given up on trying to not make ALL my music taste just vocaloid artists. Literally all of my favorite songs ever are in japanese as well. I don't even speak a lick of japanese either, so I have no idea what the lyrics for most of these songs are. So many of abuse-kens songs remind me of Akutagawa Ryuunosuke from bungou stray dogs. I realized recently that I haven't been talking about Bungou stray dogs as much as usual. Do not be fooled by this, it is still my everything. I just have other interests too i guess. I don't know. I can't decide whether to buy an Akutagawa cosplay, a Atsushi cosplay (specifically BEAST!Atsushi) or a Saya no uta cosplay. I've wanted to cosplay Akutagawa for ages, honestly. Cuz I love love love love doing goth shit. I love doing the makeup, I love dressing up too. I of course listen to the music as well. Ahg I'm ranting... Okay I'm going to close up the article here before I end up with 20 more paragraphs.

Thank you so much for reading my blogpost, I appreciate it so much! Also thank you for visiting my website at all, as well! You are so appreciated and loved or something. Thank you guys, I love you!!!!