today, my dumbass boyfriend decided not to get back with me after a break! obviously, they arent a dumbass im just angry but i have every right to be. after talking to my sibling though i don't want to kill myself anymore. maybe i should've just stuck it out and shut up. just pretend like eveyrthing in that relationship was fine. im also slightly suspicious that this is because of one of their dumbass friends who hates me for like. no reason? idk. i also probably won't be online for a month. my parents hate me. my life is terrible, i feel bad just sittinf and moping about it and not trying to make it any better, but i donr even know what i could do. im rarely allowed to go outside, im not allowed to talk to most of my friends anymore, my mom hates everyone i ever date, im not allowed to have any access to the internet anymore for like a month. and my mom hates my art too. i hate my life. im not going to kill myself. at least not for like. a week. im such a salty bitch i hate myself. i wish i could just shut up and forgive people, stop being so petty and stol holding grudges. just shut up and be a real woman. just talk to them, do everything for them, love them indefinitely despite what they believe. just like a relationship is supposed to look like. but everytime i get jntk a relationship it feels wrong. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. whatever. i watched zero day again but this time with my sibling. they liked it a lot, but still had some concerns aboyt me saying that cal is literally me. i take it back. i dont know who i am anymore. when i watchdd zero day the forst 2 times i knew as a fact cal was just like me, down to his very motives, and it still is true. but idk. i would kill myself, but i can't just fade out like that. ive also been thinking alot about class of 09. fun game ! only a little while longer till i graduate,, i hope i can hang in there. i dont need me a man at all, all i need is my beloved friends. i dont have to choose between my friends and my partner anymore, i'm happy about that. i'd always feel bad for caring more about a girl that i met 9 months ago than i did for my s/o after a year of dating. but now i dont feel as bad. i dont feel as bad admitting that i still care about the perskn i act like i hate the most. haha, i dont act like i hate them much anymore, but everyone still ththinks i do. they treated me terribly, but they came back witwith an apology about a year ago and i still couldn't bring myself to be mad at them. i love my friends. i love my sibling. i love myself. maybe i'm moody, may eim bitchy, but im hot as hell and the girl in the mirror is the only one who'll be by my side forever. i'll learn tk be my own friend. my own person maybe. one day ill get out of this shithole of a home. i'll live in a nice place. maybe it'll be small or stink or be terrible, but ill be happier there. this probabky sounds stupid. but i'm going to be happy. i'll make sure of it. ill be me forever. i'll be me. Cal S. Mako S. whatever the fuck decide on my name actually being. ill still have my last name holding my back from becominf a completely different person. the girl in the mirror is the only one who'll be with me forforever, so I love her for that. everyone hates her, i hate her sometimes too, but she's beutiful persistent and strong. and she plays guitar like a mad man. I love her, and so does haydn.